Fourth Runner-Up: "Terrorist Watch List" by Jeremy Anderson
Since this is a writing competition, we shall overlook the horrible George Bush impression—"there but for the grace of God" and all that—and focus on the positives: not exactly laugh-out-loud, but a solidly constructed joke that says something more about President Bush than simply that many Americans think he's an idiot. Hey, he's also a fearmonger who might throw them into Gitmo at the drop of a hat! Ha ha ha! I applaud you for finding funny in a not-so-funny premise. Now: show me your Nicholson.
Third Runner-Up: "Pam Anderson Gets Married, Gets Pregnant" by Howard Goldthwaite
A quick, clever way to spotlight the toxic mélange of bodily froth we all suspect is being concocted during the touch-tag bed-swappery of our most prurient stars from the 1990s. Certainly much cleverer than merely saying what we're all thinking: "Ewww." As for the joke, I sense a distinct David Spade, with perhaps a slight hint of early Maher. However, this one almost slipped out of the top five with the button: "should make for some interesting diaper changes." Quit while you're ahead.
Second Runner-Up: "The Appendix" by Clare Baker
Easy target, perhaps. Paris Hilton = worthless. We get it. We're a little tired of it. But finding an unprecedented way to say "Paris Hilton is a useless waste of space" deserves a spot in the top five. Didn't see the punch line coming, and it lands just in time. I suppose the criterion for a good Paris Hilton joke, at a minimum, is that it be sophisticated enough that Paris Hilton wouldn't get it. And in this case, Paris wouldn't get it. Even after Nicole explained it to her. So if you're keeping track at home, Joke 1, Paris 0. (Bonus points for being one of the more efficient jokes of the top 12—brevity was a rare commodity, and that old saw about brevity and wit applies here. Establish the premise, pay it off. Get in, get out.) I could see Tina Fey or Conan using this one.
First Runner-Up: "Fight the Good Fight"
What gives this joke the edge? Degree of difficulty. Sometimes, the hardest assignment in satire is to address someplace few Americans have visited, a part of the world that doesn't invoke immediate and well-known comic touchstones, and nonetheless tap a vein to draw some comedy. China isn't the easiest target; just ask Rosie O'Donnell. (And then cringe when she can only "ching-chang-chong" her way into a non-joke.) Bravo for taking what could be a dry international story and finding a clever observation that doesn't rely on threadbare stereotypes, offensive accents, or an apology on tomorrow's episode of "The View." A fight to the death with a believer in reincarnation? An irresistible force meets an immovable—or, at least, indifferent—object. Funny.
The Winner: "The Call of the Wildfires" by Pat Hammar
Call your lawyer. Norm MacDonald just might steal this one. He certainly would have given it a spin during his "Weekend Update" days. Followed, of course, by his patented, extended camera stare: "Under a new prison rehabilitation program, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed." (stare) "D.C. Mayor Marion Barry's approval ratings are at their lowest level ever. When asked for comment on the ratings, Barry replied that he didn't pay attention to polls or anything that isn't crack." (stare) MacDonald's style isn't everyone's cup of tea, but this one would fit right in: "... FEMA will now be involved in relief efforts. Their plan for fighting the fire? A category five hurricane." The secret of this joke's success? It relies on an established bromide we can all agree with—FEMA is sluggish and incompetent—nd offers a new illustration of just how sluggish and incompetent. The FEMA we all know and love might insist on fighting this year's disaster with last year's catastrophe. (Wait a minute! That's an idea so crazy it just ... wouldn't work.) But this joke does.
